Things Luna Can No Longer Do
by Sorceress14
Summary: Luna Lovegood has been a naughty girl so Professor McGonagall has given her a list of things that she is henceforth banned from doing. Will she listen?
1. Things Luna Can No Longer Do

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or places. They all belong to J.K. Rowling.

A/N: This is my very first HP fanfic. I know a lot of you were complaining about spelling errors so I updated it and also added a disclaimer. I also changed a bit of dialogue to make it SLIGHTLY less repetitive. I want to thank all of my reviewers so much for their support and advice :)

Dear Ms. Lovegood,

I've gotten wind that you have been participating in a number of unmentionable activities at Hogwarts and I am very displeased. I would like to carefully consider the following rules that I have designated for your actions:

Luna Lovegood is no longer allowed to participate in the following activities:  
Rules applying to the use of broomsticks:  
1)Do not ask Harry to have a go on his broomstick  
2)Do not ask Ron to have a go on his broomstick  
3)Do not ask Draco to have a go on his broomstick  
4)Do not ask Ginny to have a go on her broomstick  
5)Do not ask people who don't have broomsticks to have a go on them (Ms. Granger has been scared for life)  
6)Do not use a broomstick for anything other than the use of flying  
7)Do not refer to anything other than a legitimate broomstick as one

Rules applying to wands:  
all rules as with broomsticks apply as well as:  
1)Do not perform any self arousing charms in the Great Hall  
2)Do not perform any self arousing charms in the classroom  
3)Do not perform any self arousing charms in the corridors  
4)Do not perform any self arousing charms period  
5)Do not stick your wand into any holes without the persons permission  
6)Do not stick you wand into any hole period

Rules applying to teachers:  
1)Do not request any teacher to "teach me how to do it myself"  
2)Do not ask Professor Sprout if it is normal to grow magical fungus in private areas  
3)Do not ask Professor Trelawney if she foresees any love in you and her's future  
4)Do not ask Professor Trelawney if she foresees any SEX in you and her's future  
5)Do not ask Professor Snape to make you an arousing potion  
6)Do not ask Snape to make you an arousing potion for money  
7)Do not ask Professor Snape to make you an arousing potion that you will use on him  
8)Do not ask the ancient runes teacher how ancient her runes are  
9)Do not ask Hagrid how big he is in all areas  
10)Do not ask myself why I chose to transform into a pussy  
11)Do not ask Professor Flitwick if he will use his 'charms' on you  
12)Do not ask Professor Dumbledore if old people still work  
13)Do not have sexual relations with above teachers or any teachers for that matter

Rules applying to fellow students:  
1)Do not perform explicit acts on Harry without his permission (or even with his permission)  
2)Do not try to change a girls mind about her sexuality, telling them that they will die at the hands of the heliopaths if they don't (what on earth are heliopaths?)  
3)Do not try to change a girls mind about her sexuality saying that Fudge will bake them into a pie if they don't  
4)Do not try to change a girls mind about her sexuality period  
5)Do not try to change a boy's mind about his sexuality to see him with another male for your own pleasure, telling them that you will make them have sex with Professor Umbridge if they don't  
6)Do not try to change a boy's sexuality period (I will not except your excuse of "but Harry and Draco are so hot together" although I must agree)

,Professor Minerva McGonagall

A/N: Please read & review and tell me what you think of the updated version!


	2. More Things Luna Can

A/N:Thank you all for your input and advice, it really helped and sorry if some of the stuff you're reading has already been said, but I'm trying to be random, I really am! Don't forget to review and tell me what you think! This chapter has also been updated with a spell check :)

Disclaimer: None of these characters or places belong to me, they are the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. along with affiliates. Furthermore I am gaining no profit whatsoever from writing this.

Dear Ms. Lovegood,

After carefully examining your behavior last week AFTER you got my list of rules, I'm sorry to say that your behavior is still not up to scratch. I want you to consider these rules along with the others and remember that if I don't want to see anymore bad behavior. If I do, I will be forced to speak with you head of House, Mr. Filius Flitwick.

Other Things Luna Can't Do  
Rules Applying To Crumple Horned Snorkacks:  
1)Do not dress Draco Malfoy as a Crumple-Horned Snorkack and ask to take him on a walk  
2)Do not dress Harry Potter as Crumple Horned Snorkack and ask to take him on a walk  
3)Do not ask any student and/or teacher to take them on a walk no matter what kind of animal you ask them to be  
4)Do not tell people that you discovered a Crumple Horned Snorkack in their underwear  
5)Do not tell Hermione that her Snorkack is showing  
6)Do not tell any student that their Snorkack is showing

Rules Applying to Quidditch Commentary:  
All previous broomstick rules apply here as well as the following  
1)Do not comment when someone scores that "they got it through the big hole"  
2)Do not call Harry you "Blibbery-Poo" when referring to him  
3)Do not refer to Draco as your "Blibbery-Poo #2"  
4)Do not refer to anyone on the Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch team as anything but their proper name  
5)Do not refer to any one on ANY house team as anything but their proper name  
6)Do not shout to everyone that you slept with me to get the job (even if this may be true)  
7)Do not point out the shape of clouds if they are shaped as something explicit  
8)Do not point out the shape of clouds even if they aren't explicit  
9)Do not talk about your sex life while commenting (though I must admit that story of you, Harry, and Ginny at the same time was a turn on)  
10)Do not yell at any beater to "hit it harder"  
11)Do not tell the chasers of the opposing team that their broomsticks are not functional  
12)Do not tell the chasers of any team that their broomsticks are not functional  
13)Do not say to anyone that their integumentary is showing in order for them to drop the Quaffel  
14)Do not tell anyone that their integumentary is showing for ANY reason  
15)Do not say to the keeper "don't let it in the hole"  
16)Do not tell Ginny to "get it in there, babe"  
17)Do not refer to Angelina, Alicia, or Katie as a threesome even if you didn't mean it in sexual terms because this will cause Professor Snape to explode, not a pretty sight.

,Professor Minerva McGonagall

Note: Your integumentary is your skin, if you didn't know :P My friend told me this a few weeks back and I got all freaked out that something was showing because i had no idea what she was talking about!


	3. Ms Lovegood, this is getting ridiculous!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, yada, yada, yada...

A/N:I realize that this story is not really having the effect I'd hoped and after reading the reviews, I've decided to step it up a notch and really try to get the readers laughing. I'm sorry for the other chapters but hopefully this will make up for them. Thank you all for your suggestions and support :)

Dear Ms. Lovegood,  
After rewriting your list of punishments and adding to the things that you are forbidden to do each day, I am forced to say that if you are to get out of line one more time, I will have to expel you from Hogwarts. Please try your best to do nothing on the list that I have forbidden and not brake any other school rules. i would also advise not to do anything that you feel is wrong even if it is not included on the list of school rules. I know that you are not in my house but as deputy Headmistress, I do not want any of my pupils to have to leave. i have enclosed a list of the rest of the things that you are forbidden from doing. Please read over them careful and hopefully this will be my last warning.

,Professor Minerva  
McGonagall

Things You Are Henceforth Banned From Doing  
1)Do not scream like a banshee in the middle of the Great Hall, insisting that your wonderful toast gave you an orgasm (though the house elves did appreciate the sentiment)  
2)Do not use the Hogwarts toilet brushes to brush your teeth  
3)Do not give out amulets to all the boys in the school, telling them that it will protect them from evil when in reality the amulets make their clothing see-through  
4)Do not tell Harry the very fascinating story of your 'powerful' experience in the room of power in the Department of Mysteries  
5)Do not involve oneself with any thestrals on Hogwarts grounds for anything other than 'normal' purposes  
6)Do not make a hat during Quidditch matches that is an image of anything obscene of vulgar  
7)Do not tell everyone that the ministry of magic is planning to take over the world using gum disease (edit: now made to include herpes)  
8)Do not strip in the Great hall or any other part of the school, claiming that you must set your spirit free to live amongst the Blibbery-Borncroople or whatever  
9)Do not hand out fairy flutters to people (I don't care if it has a lime twist in it, I say it's alcohol!)  
10)Do not persuade girls on your dorm to perform healing rituals with you  
11)Do not read pornographic magazines (I don't care if they're upside down, people will still realize what they are!)  
12)Do not attempt to extract a living soul from Crookshanks or any other of the animals at Hogwarts in hopes of finding someone "who understands me for me"  
13)Do not wear turnip earrings because it was reported that they left an aroused effect to some of the first years (edit:now made to include any earrings symbolizing an explicit image that give off the same effect)  
14)Do not try to persuade the D.A. to try and defeat the Death Eaters using heliopathic violence (edit: now made to include persuading them to use 'human juice poison' to defeat the death eaters)  
15)Do not sing the national anthem while using the restroom at 12:00 in the morning  
16)Do not prance around singing "Dick beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"

Ms. Lovegood, I know it is difficult right now to understand why these things are wrong. When I was your age, I was very much like you in many ways but i now see the error of my ways. It is not bad to have fun once in a while but try to keep on more of a low-key scale. If I see any more bad behavior, I'll make sure not to inform the headmaster, but you have been warned.

P.S.  
Please meet me in my office this afternoon to discuss ideas for the annual "Kooky" dance at Hogwarts. I would be glad to get advice from someone with your imagination! 

A/N: This is my last chapter for this series, I'm sorry to say. But please, tell me what you thought of it and be sure to point out any mistakes. thanks to all of you who took time out to review, I love you all :)


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